I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
