He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
