I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
