How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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