I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
