Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dicks are not precious.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
