Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
