when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize