I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Terrible idea I love it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
