I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my being single is dangerous.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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