I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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