so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
