I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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