she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
