I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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