I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
