my phone needs a breathalizer
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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