I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
