it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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