Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
