she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
