I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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