A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
