The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
