guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
