That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
