I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
