So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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