Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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