Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
