We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm having to shit out rocks
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