I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
