I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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