he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
