PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
