i think i have two assholes
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
