I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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