I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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