I can text with my tongue
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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