Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
