we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
