She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Houston, we have a blender
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
