I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
