i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
