I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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