The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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