I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
