why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize