I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize