Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
