he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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