cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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