I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
