i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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