Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
