she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
