They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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